Crazy title? I'm feeling bit crazy day, as I do nearly every day so it makes perfect sense. Or doesn't, which means it does. Huh? Yes, I should shut up now before I forget what I was talking about and to who (or is it "whom"?).
ANYWAY, I had an interview today that went rather well. I hit it off with the hiring manager quite nicely and while I think working for her would be pretty cool, I'm not so thrilled with the environment. The work itself, initially sounds like it might be rather monotonous and boring though I believe it would change. Certainly, if nothing else, I would have the chance to learn a whole new skillset but again - the environment is not my ideal. A giant warehouse filled with machinery and large pieces of stuff ( I can't talk about what they do in specifics - I'd like to hold on to my security clearance, thank you very much) with no AC in the summer, a hardhat, safety glasses and steel-toed boots required...ugh. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not such a vain, stuffy girly-girl that I shun the very notion of such accessories. Umm, well OK maybe I do. Let's be honest here. I have a closet chock full of skirts, dresses and frilly tops I've been dying to wear but haven't had the job to wear them to. Now this job comes along - my first interview with the company (and hopefully not my last) and it's not at all what I expected. (sigh)
I'm torn because as I said, the woman I would report to seems very cool and would absolutely have my back and help me grow and move up if that's what I wanted (and it is). It wouldn't be fair of me to accept the job if I have any doubts about whether or not I'd be happy there. I can always apply for other jobs and transfer out within 6 months. She'd be stuck without support and have to go through all the crap of finding another support person. I'd feel like a real tool doing that to her - or to anyone, really. I nearly said as much in my thank you letter to her today. I felt that I should have been up front with her about how on the fence I am, but in the end, decided to just say "thanks" and "it was a pleasure meeting you" and leave it at that. It's quite possible she picked up a "this is not what I expected and oh lordie I don't know if I want this kind of job" vibe from me today and has already eliminted me from her list of possibles. She had excellent things to say about me and paid me some terrific compliments. I would even go so far as to say the job would likely be mine if I were to show sincere enthusiasm for the job and told her flat out that I wanted it. I think I kept a good poker face on, though and tried to hide my surprise when she told me I would not be working in an office but there in the warehouse. I didn't want to take myself out of the running right away because I think it's in my best interest to at least think about it. It would require me to step out of my box and my comfort zone and take on something vastly different than what I am used to. It would also require me to invest in some more jeans, a pair of clunky shoes or boots and resign myself to flatter hair. It would be a dirty job, no doubt. Do I let things like difficulty parking at times & having to walk, no AC (VA summers can truly suck eggs, kids. It can be brutal!) and dressing way down everyday deter me from what could be a really interesting job? It comes down to this: I want to get my foot in the door. I cannot expect to find my ideal job with "the Company" because ideally, that would come once my degree was finished. I can't finish my degree until I get back into the company. So, do I settle? Perhaps, a bit. But then again, maybe I don't have to! I may find a job that is fulfilling and fun and suits me quite nicely! It won't be forever though, because my end goal is not an administrative position. It's in Human Resources - whether that be recruiting, benefits or employee relations. Who knows? I have time to figure that out. Right now my dilemma is - should I get the offer, do I take this position or wait it out and hope I get more interviews and therefore, more offers down the road? Oh, fooey. I hate being in this position! *scratches head, narrows eyes, purses lips* What to do, what to do???
Oh yeah, about the animal meat? Yeah....I made a pork shoulder the other night because I bought it (not sure why) and felt I had to cook it. Plus, it was getting old and in danger of going bad (but it hadn't, yet). Gus enjoyed it, Aiden did too, me...eh. I ate a little but boy oh boy did I pay for it the next day! My body was not liking it! Cooked chicken to go with dinner last night and gave the boys some - I couldn't touch it. So, though I was questioning whether or not I could stick to this whole vegetarian thing it seems my body is still trying to clue me in to the fact that it is not grooving on the meat. Fish so far is OK. I know, the flyers and material I get from PETA and other sources tell me fish are gentle, curious creatures and they feel pain too. But you know, it's not the killing of animals and consumption of their flesh that bothers me - it's the cycle of life, I suppose (though we can live without it). It's just the way they're killed and treated beforehand. If you were to offer me venison from a deer you'd killed yourself I may eat it. That deer lived it's life in the wild and did it's own little deer things up until the day you put a bullet in it's head. Hopefully you were a good shot and dropped it before it even knew what hit it. Literally. That I can deal with. Perdue, Tyson and whatever big names in beef and pork - y'all can kiss my big white veggie-lovin' arse. Now, now don't go gettin' all offended like - if you're a meat eater I'm not gonna look at you cross-eyed for eating a Tyson chicken pattie. That's your business. I've told you that. We're cool. I'm worried about me right now.
Speaking of moi, I suppose I should address the last category - me. Oh I'm just at that point again - hating myself for the way I look and feel. Well, no that's not completely accurate. I'm mostly OK with how I look. I'd like a little less belly fat and slimmer arms, but that's just so that certain pieces of clothing fit me better. It's mostly the way I feel and the direction I'm headed, health-wise. I won't rehash it all because I've done it a million times already and it's getting old -fast. I'm just looking for that certain something, that one thing that has sent thousands of other people from the couch and the bag of Oreos to the gym and the salad bar. Is it rock bottom? maybe. But I don't want to hit rock bottom! That can be SOOO hard to come back from! I need to find that one thing that motivates me, scares me, gets me going...I know I should do it for Aiden, for ME, for this or that reason. I guess it's not a magic solution - it's not going to come to me all of a sudden. I've been riding this roller coaster for over a decade now and I guess I just want to know when the hell I'm going to be able to get off this ride and stop bitching about it and DO it already? Lose the weight, get in shape. Sounds so simple, and when you strip away all the psychology, excuses and bullshit, it IS ridiculously easy. Eat right. Exercise. Duh. I am my own worst enemy. Isn't it time I made nice-nice with me and got over it already????
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