Thursday, August 13, 2009

Open Marriage: Taboo or Fabu?


Ya know, I wish I had something specific to blog about. Like, some blog about fashion, some about food, some about news, some about I blog about...well, about ME. That's what I know best. Me. Hence the title "Insanely Amy". I guess I just feel the need to blog now because I created it and until I come up with something meaningful you'll just have to deal with my nonsensical shit. Sorry. OK, no I'm not. :)

I would throw out questions and try to spur heated discussions if only I had more readers....maybe y'all need to send my blog to your friends. Then we can all just give each other scads of shit over our opinions and rant until we're blue in the face, eh?

There is one subject I'd like to get people's opinions on, but it's not something I'd put out say, on Facebook. Not with my husbands super christian and therefore, conservative, relatives lurking around out there. Not that I don't love em - I do, for sure, but my way of thinking is faarrrrr different than theirs. here it is. Open Marriage. Years ago if you asked me what I thought of this topic, well, first of all I wouldn't know what the hell you were talking about. Then once it was explained to me I would have said "Oh! No way! You like, totally have to be totally monogomous, like, to your spouse.!" Why would I have answered that way? Because that's what I was raised to believe. You were supposed to fall in love, get married and be with that one person for the rest of your life. No sex with anyone else, just that one person, until the day you kicked it. Or they left you. Hrm. OK. And there are those that DO live out their lives being completely and utterly faithful to that one person. Not that those in open marriages are being unfaithful - if they've both agreed to it then it's not being unfaithful now is it? OK but before I meander off into that side of the topic let me finish up here first. (and yes, I'm going to play both sides of the fence...heh heh...something I wish I'd done before - eh never mind)
OK so I see the appeal of having a completely monogomous marriage. Never have to wonder who your partner is with, what they're doing, whether they'll fall for that other person, if the other person is better in bed than you are, what they have that you don't, and so on, etc. But all of that comes as part of the jealousy - something you simply cannot have in an open marriage. It's a security thing. That, and how you're raised. Let's face it, we have things like this pounded into our heads because in our society, that's how it is. It's ingrained and you and the concept of anything else is completely alien to many of us. Then you have the bible thumpers who will tell you it's how God decreed it to be. Well....that's how MAN decreed it to be, really, but it matters not where it originated, it's how it is. I gotta wonder how this whole monogamy thing really started. Maybe it's because people found life to be a bit stressful with multiple partners. Shit, how do polygamists do it? It's got to be fucking exhausting!!! I am in a monogomous marriage and it's wonderful. But my attitude has changed greatly over the last 10 years or so, and while I treasure and respect my spouse and his needs and his ideas, I must confess......I totally see the appeal of an open marriage. So yes, now it is time for me to jump the fence and argue from the other side.

Are we really designed to be monogomous? One mate for the rest of our days here on earth? The same dick, or the same vagina, the same boobs, the same ass forever? Well, sure, why not? If you love those tits, that vag and that wingy-wang, then why should the prospect of having it and ONLY it til death do you part be so scary? I suppose it shouldn't. However, I think most of us will admit, whether it be to only ourselves or to others, that we have found ourselves at one time or another, no matter how happy we are in our relationships, attracted to another human being. We find ourselves wondering what it would be like to be with that person. That's not so unusual and there certainly isn't anything wrong with it. It's how we're wired, kids! Some of us stop at simply fantasizing about it. Others want to do it, but are afraid. Some go for it, get caught and their relationship falls apart. Then there are those that find a partner who shares their desire for a more open, and shall we say, varied sexual experience. Come on, think of the adventures! I'm not saying go out and fuck every dick or vag that walks your way - you have to be somewhat discriminating - but think of the freedom, the fun! You can take those experiences and bring them home to your partner and depending on your arrangement (some may not want to know what goes on when their partner is with someone else) you can share it with them, use it to fuel the fire between you and have your own adventures together! You have the freedom to connect physically with others, but you have that one devoted partner who you have physically, spiritually and emotionally.

However, this is a lifestyle or practice which is NOT for everyone. Some simply can't trust themselves or others enough to be able to handle this. Some I'm sure would think it a disgusting and utterly immoral way of life. It's a touchy subject, for sure, but one that I think can spark some interesting discussion.

Now, mind you, I'm not advocating one way or another - just an interesting topic and I wanted to explore both sides of it. If you've got an opinion, and wanna share, by all means. Hit me with it!

For now, I'm going to watch a little NCIS and "play both sides"...(meaning I'm going to sit here and drool equally over Tony DiNozzo and Ziva David - for those who are unfamiliar w/ the show, he is a smart-assed NCIS special agent, she is a Moussad officer who can kill you in 2 seconds, unarmed w/ one hand tied behind her little accent, too).



  1. um, we should definitely discuss first marriage was supposed to be an open one, and it didn't exactly work out that, i'm back to old fashioned way, with mutual drooling over outside of marriage allowed....

    and ziva is played by a mexicana, which confuses me and i'm not easily confused in that way.

  2. Although open marriage is certainly not anything I am interested in, if both parties are cool with it, I guess I don't have a problem with it. I think excellent communication is necessary, which is something that all relationships need, really...not just open marriages. I would imagine it would not be an easy thing to carry off, but if consenting adults want to do it, I've no problem with it.

  3. I read your blog despite warnings to the conservative, etc. simply because I was curious as to what my baby sister thought of the subject. Don't panic. I wasn't as shocked as you might imagine.

    I've known of four or five other couples that have practiced it, and it never really seemed successful in any of the cases. My first marriage, before I became a "born-again Christian" was supposed to be an open marriage - at least that was what husband #1 wanted it to be. Although I tried to go along with it to please him, it never really worked for me because it always felt so "wrong" and I always felt so inadequate because I wasn't enough for him. When I finally refused to participate in any of the group scenes or threesomes that he set up (after dealing with an embarrassing STD) he quietly and inconspicuously went on his way without me, and I asked no questions, but I also totally lost interest in him and eventually ended up leaving him for another man - one who was insanely jealous and possesive!

    A young couple in NY that I knew and babysitted for occasionally also practiced open marriage, but it turned out to make them both miserable. They agreed to it in theory, but when she gave birth to a mixed-race baby that was obviously not her husband's, his humiliation was too much and they gave the baby up for adoption and eventually split up.

    An older couple that we met seemed perfectly happy with the practice and still devoted to each other as far as I know, but I suspect they're the exception and not the rule. But that doesn't take into consideration the nasty little conditions they've had to have treated or what they passed along to others.

    Two more young couples that I knew (neighbors) tried wife swapping for a couple months. They weren't secure enough in their marriages, though, for it to work for them. The tension built until the explosion rocked the entire neighborhood. People running around on the street half-dressed, screaming at each other, with dozens of eyes peering at them through the curtains and blinds of the houses nearby. Rumors flying around all that week. One of the participants knocked at my door two days later and needed a cup of coffee and a sympathetic ear, so I heard the truth instead of just the rumors. The upshot of that experiment was that one couple (who had two little children) stayed together and moved away soon after, while the other (childless) couple broke up.

    In my younger years I was snotty, judgmental, and intolerant, but I think I've mellowed over time. I can't and won't condemn anyone who chooses this path, but I can't recommend it. No matter how mature and open-minded you think you are, the human pysche is a delicate and complicated thing and the consequences of "casual intimacy" (what an oxymoron) may end up being more than you bargained for.

    Sex with a partner to whom I am not wholly committed is singularly unfulfilling and mentally and emotionally unsettling to me. I have a soul-mate that I trust with my life and for whom I would give my own life. My conscience is clear, and I am content. What more is there?

  4. Wow! What a fascinating question. I have to agree with what has been said here. I'm putting in my two cents based on my "feelings", not my experience, so does it really count?

    While I'd like to believe that I'm open-minded enough and free enough to not fall prey to the social conventions that are drilled into us, I know that I am not. I can be very jealous of a concept. I dated a bisexual man, and I was retroactively jealous and resentful of the woman who introduced him to group sex and same sex sex. Weird? Yes, but that is how I felt.

    Like everyone else who commented, I'd not judge a person or couple for having an Open Marriage, but I couldn't imagine that I'd be comfortable with it. That said, I'm in my mid-40s, and I've never been married. The concept of "forever with one person" is utterly baffling, and yet, I don't think I could embrace the antithesis. I've desired monogamy in my serious relationships. If I got otherwise, I walked away.